When they found out that I was not dating, somebody once asked me why I wasn’t doing my part to find some good girl a husband.
Like it or not, much of our culture is geared toward the idea that we will not be happy until we have somebody in our arms. Anybody who insists that they are happy is depriving somebody else of happiness. That is the case with this video on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul4P7HEn4qg
There is a valid point but it may also be untrue for a lot of people. In the video, the girl is ready to marry but must wait on a guy who is oblivious and eventually offloads the responsibility to God to determine when the time is right.
Before considering it too far, let’s back up and begin with what the purpose is for marriage.
The first marriage, if you believe the Bible anyhow, is that of Adam and Eve. In Genesis 2:18, we have an explanation for it:
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
That part of the story culminates in Genesis 2:23-25:
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
There is some debate over whether that last sentence was written by Adam or the editor of Genesis. Either way, this is the reason (whether people realize it or not) that marriages have existed for the last 6,000 years. People were not made to live alone and God created the first institution, that of marriage.
Solomon, a wise king who is still revered in the middle east today, wrote that two were better than one and achieved more with their work (Ecclesiastes 4:9).
There are whole books dedicated to the subject of teaching men and women to understand the differences between how they think. Many of my married friends assure me that those differences have saved them a lot of trouble as each spouse sees other aspects of situations that they had missed.
Despite these benefits, there is a big movement today to do away with marriage or to redefine it. In his book How I Found Freedom in An Unfree World, Harry Browne wrote:
So decide first what it is you want. Do you want to live together? Have more time together? Sleep together? Enjoy sexual intercourse together?
All of those things can be accomplished without a legal marriage and without unrelated obligations that could inhibit the growth of the relationship and the individuals in it.
If you want to live together, the answer is to live together.
That doesn’t require a license, a ceremony, engraved announcements, a written contract, a blessing from anyone. All you have to do is to live together.
While I agree with him that a marriage contract with the government is not necessary, I also have to take issue with the belief that marriages do not offer any benefits over, what he calls, “non-marriages.” Perhaps we’ll save that for another post.
The arguments against marriage make it hard at times to see why we should get married. This is causing people to put off marriage and/or kids until after they obtain a degree and have begun a slingshot career. One 66-year-old divorced woman is currently making headlines with her first pregnancy. She works a five-day workweek as a managing director at a plastics and textiles firm.
I suspect that this is what the video was arguing against. What point is there in waiting until old age to marry and have kids if you can combine forces earlier on and accomplish more?
Now that I’ve explained a small part of the reasoning for this video, let’s take a brief look at why it could be wrong.
Some men and women are heeding the call (ie. The Great Commission) to minister in dangerous places. If I were to recount some of the tortures that have been performed on the early women of the Church, it would make those who gasp at waterboarding to faint. Consider the words of Jesus in Matthew 24:19-22:
And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect’s sake those days shall be shortened.
There are many places in the Bible that encourage having kids in tough times. This is the only passage that I am familiar with that does not. That does not mean that we should stop having kids or even that men and women should remain single. Some have argued that, but I simply think that the parents should know what they are getting into.
You have also the problem of personalities. If the wife blindly follows her husband, what will she do should he be killed? Or if the husband is rushed into marriage because he cannot care for himself, how would he survive without his wife?
A marriage in this position requires both spouses to be independent while still relying on each other.
There is no command or allowance in Scripture to find someone who is “compatible.” What you will find instead is mention of the contentious woman (Proverbs 21:19):
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.
or man (Proverbs 26:21):
As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife.
and the ability to choose what we get ourselves into (I Corinthians 7:36):
But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.
People who are both able to survive on their own will have ambitions. It is often assumed that the husband’s should trump the wife’s and it is on this assumption that many women do not seek purpose in life apart from that of a wife. Modern feminism goes to the opposite extreme and expects all men to bow before the woman’s ambitions.
Neither of these is quite right. If the husband and wife, who are standing alone in peril, are not partners in their dream then their strong wills will breed contention. It is not good to wish to be in Hawaii when the wife feels that she can make an impact in Brazil. They must be united.
That may be true in marriages that stay in “safe” countries too.
There has been a long-standing debate over whether “ministry” or “family” should come first. A friend was quick to remind me that ministry should be built around the family, using it as a starting point. She is right, of course, but for this to happen the marriage needs to also be based on an understanding that the ministry will occur.
How do you find someone who believes the same things? It is possible that this winnowing, or comparing of notes, can take some time. That is not to say that there are a lack of people or that only one person on the planet is a “soul mate,” but rather that people are diverse.
For anyone who is trying to find a spouse, don’t worry. Those who have similar interests tend to find each other. You need not remain at home all the time and neither should you go out to town every night to watch for a Future Potential Spouse (TM). Do the things you should be doing anyway. Live the life that was given to you.
One more note: Economic woes are not a good reason to hold off on marriage or kids. You should instead seek out God and learn how to survive better. There are numerous places in the Bible where this is commanded. In Genesis 8, God blessed Noah’s family and told them to increase and populate the earth. This was at a time when they had to recreate civilization from scratch.
“But that is different, there was nobody around,” some say. That is true. Take a look at Jeremiah 29. Verse 11 is a very popular one to quote, but try reading it in context. I don’t think economic uncertainty is that much different.
Happiness is elusive for those who seek it. It is much easier to do the right thing and learn how to enjoy doing it. I’ll wait for now.
Comments
Submitted by Sarah on
Now we can have sex without children, and children without sex. Marriage is totally unnecessary.
Our world is sad indeed.
Submitted by Chris on
I had avoided saying it in this post but have told several people before. There are three reasons for sex:
<ol>
<li>To consummate a marriage</li>
<li>To have children</li>
<li>Pleasure/recreation</li>
</ol>
You cannot separate those three. There is always a failure rate when you try. Far from helping us in any way, the attempt is pushing us toward depopulation…
Submitted by netwiz on
So if God built us to generally pursue marriage, then wouldn’t it simplify things to follow the “clock” He gave us to pursue it with whomever He put around us as options at the time and then expect that the relationship He brought together actually modifies/forms what He wants us to do with our combined lives? I question putting ministry “dreams” in the way of a working relationship.
Maybe this would be a useful artificial situation to consider. Maybe there’s a girl that would have a reclusive, non-impactful life. Then there’s this guy that could go out in the bush and potentially start a small church. But combined they would have the same direct impact on number of people saved (but not in a third world), and have a couple kids where one of them went out to the bush.
Can we really decide what our lives are going to be or accomplish? Is that really a major factor to who we should marry? Sure, let’s share dreams and aspirations and find out if there’s some compatibility there, but I’ve been bugged by some sort of “ideal” standard of making sure a future spouse and you have the same exact vision for the future…people change…I’ve changed a lot. If she’s “wonderful for you” and you are both committed to following God…what’s the problem?
Submitted by Chris on
I mostly agree. Despite my post about what a “calling” means (and that is more recent than this post—my views have changed a little), I still believe that God does specifically tell certain individuals to perform a certain task. Should they obey the direct command or the desire to marry? Would it be wise to take into account how the spouse would put up with the mission? Or should the person marry and then inform their spouse of what they intend to do?
Submitted by netwiz on
I’m a bit hesitant about the idea of a “direct command”. If you have the desire to marry I would give that as much weight as any calling I can think of (for several reasons). It is wise to take it into account; nothing I’m saying precludes sharing it in advance.
I might consider this wording: “evaluating the gifts and preparation God has done in my life, I’m seeing that I will be pursuing a path of ministry to do such-and-such. What do you think of that?” If the person says “I don’t see that ever happening for me” then I would significantly evaluate what I thought my direction was and also ask the other person to reconsider their position (at least to the point of agreeing that it might be something that would happen).
I remember a missionary in the church I attended in Little Rock correcting someone that said “it’s so nice you were both called to the mission field”: she said that her husband was called (I know our discussion on this word…but I didn’t want to take the time to try and avoid it—and I think it actually was the word she used), and she was obedient and supported him and followed.
So the wife needs to be willing to follow the lead of the husband in such an endeavor, but does not necessarily need the same kind of direction to have been impressed upon her.
My life has definately not taken the path it would have taken if I had not gotten married (or even not married the specific person that I married), but by staying faithful to follow God it has been way beyond anything I could have ever expected to accomplish (realistically looking at what I was as a person). I have one of the cheesiest moments and some of the flimsiest logic in some of my thought processes leading to marriage and God worked through all of them to do something I will forever be in awe of.
Submitted by Chris on
I would be one of those wackos who believes that God does speak audibly to people on occasion—as happened to Samuel or during Paul’s conversion. At the same time, even Paul had to resort to the interpretation of dreams when the Holy Spirit would not let him go into Asia. It is pretty rare and we were given our brains for a reason. No, I am not a fan of interpreting every dream. I know of a couple women who have married because of dreams… bad situations. Discernment is required. Unfortunately it is easier to tell everyone to “pay no attention” than to teach them how to discern. I have meant to balance the “calling” post with that but have not done it yet.
In general, I agree that we should look for what we are capable of and then do it. If the spouses do not agree on what that is then they do need to seek God. One or both are wrong (one of my former pastors made that point as well).
It can go the other way also, where the wife feels that she needs to do something and her husband supports her in that. Such was the case with one woman who housed Elisha.
Or there is the infamous story of Jim Elliot, who required his wife to take on his mission. Other missionaries that I have known told their children to move back to this country when they turned 18, because the parents’ mission field was not the childrens’. I’m not sure exactly what I think about that second example as it could be abused into teaching the kids not to care about the people their parents are ministering to.
After marriage, you make decisions together and they should be different from the decisions you would have made as an individual (if you agree on everything, one of you is useless ). With that said, if I am right above about God speaking directly to individuals on occasion, there are some situations where less flexibility is possible. That is largely what my reference was toward.
Submitted by netwiz on
I look forward to your post on discerning; I’ve been wondering of late why so large a group of people is confidant that some things mentioned in the NT are no longer occurring. You hit on a useful thing to say that it’s an easier road. Discernment is difficult.
With my background I’m very predisposed to object to anyone that claims direct revelation because of how easily it can be misused. But based on what I started with above I am willing to listen and potentially refine my understanding.