When they found out that I was not dating, somebody once asked me why I wasn’t doing my part to find some good girl a husband.

Like it or not, much of our culture is geared toward the idea that we will not be happy until we have somebody in our arms. Anybody who insists that they are happy is depriving somebody else of happiness. That is the case with this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul4P7HEn4qg

There is a valid point but it may also be untrue for a lot of people. In the video, the girl is ready to marry but must wait on a guy who is oblivious and eventually offloads the responsibility to God to determine when the time is right.

Before considering it too far, let’s back up and begin with what the purpose is for marriage.

The first marriage, if you believe the Bible anyhow, is that of Adam and Eve. In Genesis 2:18, we have an explanation for it:

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

That part of the story culminates in Genesis 2:23-25:

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

There is some debate over whether that last sentence was written by Adam or the editor of Genesis. Either way, this is the reason (whether people realize it or not) that marriages have existed for the last 6,000 years. People were not made to live alone and God created the first institution, that of marriage.

Solomon, a wise king who is still revered in the middle east today, wrote that two were better than one and achieved more with their work (Ecclesiastes 4:9).

There are whole books dedicated to the subject of teaching men and women to understand the differences between how they think. Many of my married friends assure me that those differences have saved them a lot of trouble as each spouse sees other aspects of situations that they had missed.

Despite these benefits, there is a big movement today to do away with marriage or to redefine it. In his book How I Found Freedom in An Unfree World, Harry Browne wrote:

So decide first what it is you want. Do you want to live together? Have more time together? Sleep together? Enjoy sexual intercourse together?
    All of those things can be accomplished without a legal marriage and without unrelated obligations that could inhibit the growth of the relationship and the individuals in it.
    If you want to live together, the answer is to live together.
    That doesn’t require a license, a ceremony, engraved announcements, a written contract, a blessing from anyone. All you have to do is to live together.

While I agree with him that a marriage contract with the government is not necessary, I also have to take issue with the belief that marriages do not offer any benefits over, what he calls, “non-marriages.” Perhaps we’ll save that for another post.

The arguments against marriage make it hard at times to see why we should get married. This is causing people to put off marriage and/or kids until after they obtain a degree and have begun a slingshot career. One 66-year-old divorced woman is currently making headlines with her first pregnancy. She works a five-day workweek as a managing director at a plastics and textiles firm.

I suspect that this is what the video was arguing against. What point is there in waiting until old age to marry and have kids if you can combine forces earlier on and accomplish more?

Now that I’ve explained a small part of the reasoning for this video, let’s take a brief look at why it could be wrong.

Some men and women are heeding the call (ie. The Great Commission) to minister in dangerous places. If I were to recount some of the tortures that have been performed on the early women of the Church, it would make those who gasp at waterboarding to faint. Consider the words of Jesus in Matthew 24:19-22:

And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect’s sake those days shall be shortened.

There are many places in the Bible that encourage having kids in tough times. This is the only passage that I am familiar with that does not. That does not mean that we should stop having kids or even that men and women should remain single. Some have argued that, but I simply think that the parents should know what they are getting into.

You have also the problem of personalities. If the wife blindly follows her husband, what will she do should he be killed? Or if the husband is rushed into marriage because he cannot care for himself, how would he survive without his wife?

A marriage in this position requires both spouses to be independent while still relying on each other.

There is no command or allowance in Scripture to find someone who is “compatible.” What you will find instead is mention of the contentious woman (Proverbs 21:19):

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

or man (Proverbs 26:21):

As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife.

and the ability to choose what we get ourselves into (I Corinthians 7:36):

But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.

People who are both able to survive on their own will have ambitions. It is often assumed that the husband’s should trump the wife’s and it is on this assumption that many women do not seek purpose in life apart from that of a wife. Modern feminism goes to the opposite extreme and expects all men to bow before the woman’s ambitions.

Neither of these is quite right. If the husband and wife, who are standing alone in peril, are not partners in their dream then their strong wills will breed contention. It is not good to wish to be in Hawaii when the wife feels that she can make an impact in Brazil. They must be united.

That may be true in marriages that stay in “safe” countries too.

There has been a long-standing debate over whether “ministry” or “family” should come first. A friend was quick to remind me that ministry should be built around the family, using it as a starting point. She is right, of course, but for this to happen the marriage needs to also be based on an understanding that the ministry will occur.

How do you find someone who believes the same things? It is possible that this winnowing, or comparing of notes, can take some time. That is not to say that there are a lack of people or that only one person on the planet is a “soul mate,” but rather that people are diverse.

For anyone who is trying to find a spouse, don’t worry. Those who have similar interests tend to find each other. You need not remain at home all the time and neither should you go out to town every night to watch for a Future Potential Spouse (TM). Do the things you should be doing anyway. Live the life that was given to you.

One more note: Economic woes are not a good reason to hold off on marriage or kids. You should instead seek out God and learn how to survive better. There are numerous places in the Bible where this is commanded. In Genesis 8, God blessed Noah’s family and told them to increase and populate the earth. This was at a time when they had to recreate civilization from scratch.

“But that is different, there was nobody around,” some say. That is true. Take a look at Jeremiah 29. Verse 11 is a very popular one to quote, but try reading it in context. I don’t think economic uncertainty is that much different.

Happiness is elusive for those who seek it. It is much easier to do the right thing and learn how to enjoy doing it. I’ll wait for now.