Have you ever tried to stalk someone before? From my studies, I have concluded that the best time is when they are in their car. It’s like they have this irresistible urge to tell you where they are going. Right blinker, left blinker, brakes, back-up lights.

Try to stay out of their way. The idea is to imitate their moves, not let them back up into you.

With this basic knowledge, a driver’s license and a car, you can play the stalking game any time you want. People pretend to get agitated or worried but they keep sending you less-than-subtle hints about where they are going next. Try it! You won’t be disappointed.

Once you have mastered the simpler techniques, there are more subtle aspects that can be introduced for even more fun. One of them that I will briefly explain involves yellow and blue lights. This play is the only one that you won’t have any advance warning of—the person being stalked waits until they are near a yellow light when another car with blue lights can see them. When this situation is met, they accelerate in order to pass through the intersection before the yellow light turns red.

This move is designed to test your prowess as a stalker, so don’t try to go through the red light until you have mastered the basics first. There are other tricks that are similar but I’ll leave those for you to discover on your own.

If you find these rules to be too difficult to follow, there is an alternate version with simpler rules. All that you need for it is a long knife and a good sense of direction. Then you have to find a corn field…

This latter method does have one minor inconvenience though. If others discover you with lots of squarish marks on your forehead, they might laugh at you for stalking corn. Most of your friends will probably think it is even funnier than a joke about ambulance chasers.

Be safe, don’t destroy anyone’s property and good luck.