There was a rerun of a television show called Promised Land recently. The episode that I saw dealt with the deterioration of a marriage as the father tried to escape from everything happening at home and it got me thinking… when a guy asks a girl to marry him, he is asking her to see the worst side of himself. She should receive his best as well, but the thought is disconcerting.

Knowing this, how can we tell young people (and old!) to play games with each other which encourage them to hide who they are? I am, of course, speaking of dating. There has been a backlash against it that is gaining popularity and is called “courtship” or “betrothal” (some people make distinctions between those, others do not).

The first time that these ideas were recommended to me was in high school when Joshua Harris’ book I Kissed Dating Goodbye had just been released. A middle-aged couple at church did no-touch dating and my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to read this book. I didn’t and didn’t. At the time I had other thoughts running through my head that had to be sorted out first (like Isaiah 56; yes, horror of horrors). It was only three years ago that I began to take a serious look at courtship so I admit to being a general newbie. On the other hand, I have not ever dated. That should make me an old pro. Kinda.

There are more resources on my shelves than I have had a chance to read through yet, but the starting point was a DVD series by Dr. S. M. Davis called the “Courtship / Betrothal Series.” He made some very good points, but I’m going to dissect it a little.

The biggest analogy is—can you guess? We guys get to care for the girl as Christ cares for his church. It is a sobering thought and a good check of where the emotions and thoughts are. In a speech to the 2006 Father and Daughter retreat, Doug Phillips (of the Vision Forum) spoke of how lucky men were to be present as their daughters grew and blossomed into women. Isn’t that a small part of what being a husband is as well? Our desire should be to give more than we receive in return, and we should enjoy the journey. Something similar goes for women, but it is not normally my place to go into that.

Comparing our relationships to Christ and the church is great except that it does break down at a point. We live in a fallen world and one of the spouses will probably die before the other. Sometimes it is a long while before the other, and the surviving spouse finds that they should remarry. It is even recommended by Paul to Timothy (I Timothy 5). You could, possibly, pull an Arminian analogy out of that. It certainly is not the ideal that is taught. If we can only give our hearts to one person, the second spouse was recommended a bad deal.

It is true that we should treat all women with respect. Those who are older should be treated as mothers, and those who are younger as sisters (I Timothy 5:2). I would argue that we should consider this even more highly concerning a future wife before marriage. It is especially true as some courtship scenarios do not work out. In addition to winning the daughter’s heart, most courtship models involve winning the parent’s (and sometimes pastor’s) hearts. Each family also tends to have their own rules and guidelines that they have set out. It is wisdom in many situations but it also introduces more ways that some relationships can go wrong.

I said when I started this blog that I was not going to name names. Only people who read this that know the individuals involved would know who I am talking about. One of the men that I know, who has courted, was told that he had to give his word that he would not break it off, no matter what he learned. The girl had already given away her virginity—to a married man. Thankfully she broke it off and he says to run when you see S. M. Davis’ DVDs (I’m not quite that bad). What does he do now that he is not “emotionally pure”? Well, he found someone better and married her.

Another favored teaching that many follow in courtship is that we should not be looking at all, but should “sleep” as Adam did while Eve was created. Passages like Song of Solomon 8:4 are also referenced:

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please.

Being “in love” with many of the opposite sex is wrong and has earned a rather harsh statement from Paul in II Timothy 3:6. At the same time, Genesis 2 (as an analogy) is not speaking of blindness or even passive waiting—at least for the men (the women have Ruth). The portion quoted is Genesis 2:21-23:

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

Sometimes, if we are lucky, they even reference the verses before it as a demonstration that Adam was working as he was commanded. They are exactly right and exactly wrong. Read this and think about it for a moment; Genesis 2:18-20:

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

Did you see that this is one continuous series? Adam watched God form all of the animals that had already been created, then he got to name them. While he was naming them, he was also analyzing how they could or could not complement (not compliment) him. If Adam was a part of the search then some courtship promoters have taken things a little far.

I did end up reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye a few months ago and got a great laugh out of it. Among other things, Josh Harris goofed up in his usage of Jeremiah 29:11 (“I know the plans I have for you…”) when he used it as a reason to wait to date. If you read the chapter, the verse is right in the middle of a passage that is talking about getting married, building houses, planting vineyards and marrying kids off. That is not very wait-oriented for marriage. His overall idea (as I understood it) was to not enter a relationship until you can be serious about marrying and able to marry that person.

The world is not perfect and each story is unique. I’m not convinced that a formula is going to give even most people a perfect introduction to marriage, which makes me think that the wisest approach is be friends first and then to be serious when you say you are. The other person is going to know you one day anyhow.