The book New Moon makes me want to not have kids. Or a girlfriend. Ever.

New Moon does explain some of the things that I wondered about after the first book. For instance, the first chapter (included in my copy of Twilight) offers some small help on where the Carlisle family obtained all of their money. The answer is that they have unlimited time and a sister who can predict the stock market. Fair enough. It would also make sense if they dealt in antiques.

The sequel to this vampire tale opens with a birthday party thrown by the Carlisle family for the main character, Bella. She accidentally gives herself a papercut while opening one of the presents and it sends all of the vampires into a bloodlust. Edward stopped breathing but still struggled to maintain his composure. His “mom” holds her nose to avoid being overcome with a desire to feed. Hmm, didn’t I already explain how Twilight vampires can hold their breath and not smell their surroundings? Some of the details given about their struggle to overcome the bloodlust are painful to read after that realization.

Also painful is Bella’s ability to figure out that her friend, Jacob Black, is turning into a werewolf. It makes me wonder what Edward ever saw in her. But wait, at the end of the book he is still in love with her!

If we dispense with the pleasantries, Bella is responsible for her father being majorly upset with both Edward and the werewolf clan that Jacob becomes a part of (which she called a “gang”). This includes her dad taking her side against several of his friends, some of whom he has known longer than his daughter. When she learns more details of what is going on, all that she offers is that she was “mistaken.”

Oops. Gag.

We also find much more strongly in this book that the reason Edward has avoided having sex with Bella was because he was afraid that he would not be able to avoid sucking her dry. A lot of people have been excited about their supposed chastity in the world of popular fiction but I fail to see why. It had nothing to do with keeping her pure until marriage.

This introduces yet another problem. Edward finally consents to turn Bella into a vampire—her wish from the beginning—if she would marry him. She is scared of that idea. The entire reason she wanted to be “turned” was so that she could be with him forever. Queue the eye rolling.

At the end of the book, there is a confrontation between Jacob and Edward. Jacob acted as spokesperson for the other werewolves. He reminded Edward of an ancient treaty between them that prevented any of the Carlisle vampires from biting any human. Bella did not voice her opinion that it should be alright since she wants Edward to turn her. At the same time she has absolutely no regrets about how this would alienate her from her best-friend-of-the-whole-book, Jacob, even more. She also does not think about how strong her desire to feed on her own parents would be.

Everything said, by the time of the sequel, the teenage melodrama is getting very far out of hand. I’m frustrated with it. Edward is a one hundred and ten year old fool.